I spent some time with Tommy Freeman last week. For those who don’t know, Freeman is a prodigious talent. Capped internationally over the summer for England, his club rugby is played for Northampton Saints in the Gallagher Premiership. He is a favourite at Franklin’s Gardens because of the way he plays: intelligent and fast but most importantly, he seems incredibly gifted at producing outrageous pieces of skill when seemingly most needed. Within just a couple of seasons, Freeman has firmly set himself into East Midlands’ hearts.

a coach looking his soccer players
As a coach or teacher, how much information do you give?

We talked for the well-known rugby publication ‘The Rugby Journal’ about his rugby journey and making his international debut this summer. One part of our discussion linked especially well to my work as a Mind Coach. We discussed how he best performed out on the field. Amongst the disorder and the fury of a top-flight game of rugby, he revealed what worked for him to access his best self. He talked about his mindset and revealed how top coaches had recognised the way that his mind operates and how they have changed things to suit him.

We want to make sure that teachers receive the same sort of performance mindset coaching that elite athletes do. At the bottom of the page, there is an extract from an article in The Daily Telegraph where George Ford, the England Rugby player, details how he uses MP3 recordings to get him ready to perform. I want to create that sort of thing for teachers.

We hope you enjoy them; they can act as the catalyst for you to take greater care of yourself and your mind. I split them up for ease, although you can also download them as one long recording if you would prefer. They work best listened to with headphones, perhaps at a time when when you can just focus on yourself and your thinking.

I had a bad dream last night. One of the reasons that I am so invested in looking after other people’s mindsets is that I was, once, pretty beset by anxiety dreams. One returned last night. I now know what to do; how to deal with the subsequent feelings and thoughts I experience. Within a few moments, it was gone, dwindling like a match to its charred end.

The imagery is crucial here. Thoughts are very much like matches. If they are used in certain ways, they can start fires. Incredible, powerful, life-changing fires. Every great idea in the world started as a thought. These thoughts can propel you to achieve almost anything; feats of endurance, strength, ingenuity, passion, love and peace, all owe their existence to thought.

Parenting is the most difficult job in the world. There are numerous good intentions and a fair few bad outcomes. As parents, all we want is the best for our children, but in our pursuit to be helpful, we often become the opposite.

Nowhere is this more prominent in the idea Don Macpherson labels ‘Accidental Mind Coach’. This is when we affect the thinking or mindset of others in a negative way, without that being our intention. It is very easy to do. And while I’m not expecting you to be able to rid yourself of the problem immediately, just being aware of the idea could be the first step on the way to becoming a more effective person and parent.

Here’s something that was revealed to me by the brilliant Michael Neill, in his book and theory, ‘The Inside Out Revolution’.

It resonated with me and how my life has been. I think about the idea a fair bit and always look to try and find myself not falling into the trap. It is a cycle or process many of us will recognise. We almost get conditioned along this path from a young age. When I think back to my previous generations, my parents and grandparents, it was definitely an ideology handed down. And I’m sure you’ve heard it too.

“Life is tough.”

Just writing it, I can hear the voices from my childhood. The monologue would go something like this:

“Life isn’t easy, it’s a struggle. You have to put your head down and work hard. And that won’t be pleasant but it is something you need to do. You need to struggle, to sacrifice, to stress, because in the end you will be rewarded with success. And success, when you achieve it, will make you happy. So, let’s not complain, that is the deal, just get on with it and get used to the fact that life is tough.”

And so, this is what you do. Stoically, unquestioningly, apathetically, you just get on with it. Hoping that one day that promised land will be found and everything will become easy.

What they fail to mention, the sowers of these morbid seeds, is that success is not a destination. Success is like a moving target. When you achieve success, however wonderful, it isn’t long before your eyes are drawn further down the track, to some other success. Having achieved one thing, you immediately look for more. I talk about the addiction that many of us have to what I refer to as ‘achieving’, rather than ‘achievement’ in this blog, but let’s assume we all agree that success is not some stationary paradise that we will ever get to. And so, with it being a constantly moving objective and something we will always be striving for, we are destined for a lifetime of struggle. Seems a little daft, no?

As Michael Neill puts it – the sum doesn’t work:

Struggle/Sacrifice/Stress = Unhappiness. But our Unhappiness is withstood because it will ultimately = Success. And, we hope (or are reassured) that Success = Happiness. So let’s lay that out:

Struggle = Unhappiness = Success = Happiness

But any mathematician will tell you you can strike two of those factors out and the sum will still stand:

Struggle = Unhappiness = Success = Happiness

We are making ourselves unhappy, in the hope that we become happy.

How about we rethink that?

Fill your life with positivity and fun. Yes, work hard but do not chase success. Do not make it the be-all and end-all. Appreciate the journey you are on and do not focus on the destination. Practice, train, and aspire but remember that true happiness is found in relationships and connections with friends and family. Remove the unhappiness of struggle, sacrifice and stress and just be happy to begin with. Appreciate the small things, the moments in your life that you have and are thankful for. Enjoy the moments that go well and don’t spend too long chastising yourself when they don’t work out. Relish the challenge life hands you; don’t be motivated by money or title, be motivated by feelings of improvement and love.

Do this and things will start to feel better. Because the old way of accepting that ‘life is tough’ just doesn’t add up.

The Sky Sports Commentary team are waxing lyrical about Joe Root; England’s premier batter is showing his class once more. He has notched up his 10,000th run, in what seems like record time, and, relieved of the captaincy and under the new test match stewardship of Ben Stokes and Brendan McCullum, appears to be playing some of his best cricket.

Joe Root celebrating another century knock

But then something is said in commentary that really piques my interest: “Joe Root always seems to play well at this ground. And that’s definitely ‘a thing’: you turn up at a ground and you just know you’re going to play well.”

I am always looking to the world of sport for lessons in mind coaching and teaching. I’m constantly learning from all sport and I love to read about the way that various coaches and managers get better performances from their players.

There’s a coach at the moment who is making waves in football. Not for his overt management of a few multi-million-pound-a-year footballers, but for how he quietly goes about getting the best out of every player in his team. In fact, his club are becoming well-known for their ability to create very good players – taking players that other clubs aren’t drawn to, and making them a lot better.

I met up with one of my favourite former colleagues yesterday, who is now a Headteacher at an all-girls school. As well as sharing war stories from the last twelve months, we talked about the mindset of both boys and girls and how they differ. As a parent of two boys and a girl, I am always looking for help and pointers to aid me along the way. Children don’t arrive with a user manual, do they? We have to learn on the job!

One thing we both surmised was that a young female’s attitude to learning, and in particular failure, is very different to a young male. Boys, in general, and there are exceptions to the rule, have a greater propensity to give things a go. Girls tend to be a little more guarded about putting themselves forward and my friend is working hard at her school to try and give her pupils a lot more chances to fail, survive and learn from failure.

If you have a young female in your life, one who is looking for great female role models, I would really recommend the film ‘The Wall’ (currently available on Netflix). Not only is it a very well-made documentary about an unusual sport (climbing), it follows four female athletes as they all vie for gold at the Tokyo Olympic Games in 2021. It is a 12 certificate and contains some choice language, so viewer discretion is advised.

Shauna Coxsey, one of the stars of the film ‘The Wall’

One thing it does highlight is how important failure is. I’m sure you’ll all be aware of the countless failures famous entrepreneurs, inventors, and world leaders have had. You can’t really go too far on social media without some meme popping up and telling you all about how JK Rowling suffered before Bloomsbury gave her her break, or how many experiments Thomas Eddison floundered around with before his lightbulb moment. Failure is very much part of success, but why is it so important? Success is great for the soul, wonderful for confidence and can provide some much-needed happiness – failure does the opposite – why is failure as important as success? Here are some reasons you may not have thought about.

Failure makes great stories. And stories connect you to other people. The best stories I’ve ever heard had failure at the heart of them, and without these stories to tell people, we wouldn’t be able to connect in such an important way. Some of the best moments with your friends have involved getting stuff wrong. When we get together socially, reliving these moments and amusing each other with our plights and misdeeds can form a strong bond and appreciation. Sharing each other’s successes is lovely but feeling empathy for someone’s nightmarish situation is the stuff that really binds.

And coming together in a social situation is so vitally important for your brain. The hormone release that social encounters and shared experiences gives you is the best medicine in the world. Oxytocin works in direct opposition to the stress hormone Cortisol, and it is released when you come into social or positive/intimate contact with another human. Our minds need oxytocin to operate at their best, so great social interaction is necessary for our lives. Failure stories are an essential part of this.

We need complex. The way our brains work brilliantly is just outside our comfort zone. Our brain is set up for the constant introduction of new neural pathways. And neural pathways are only formed by repetition, and we are much more likely to repeat an action in the pursuit of success if we get something wrong. Doing things that we can achieve serves no real purpose in our lives and we must always look for new and different experiences to benefit our brains and continue our growth.

Life is a journey, not a destination. This is echoed in Shauna Coxsey’s final monologue in the film, where she talks about what she’s achieved and how she feels about it. To paraphrase her slightly, she concludes that ‘her successes (and failures) aren’t useful to anyone else, but what she learnt along the way is.’

Our minds trick us into thinking that achievement is important. But, for me, it is the act of achieving that we need in our lives, not achievements. In fact, once an achievement has appeared, it immediately starts to fade only to be replaced by something bigger and better, further down the line. I think many humans adore the act of achieving and so will constantly reset their sights on new and higher accolades. And because we are so enthraled to this process, we need it to be a challenge (worth achieving) and therefore we need the jeopardy of failure.

And as soon as we start to see failure in these ways; as necessary and beneficial, the more we can train our minds to not only accept failure when it happens but be pleased to see it! Now I can almost hear you thinking how ridiculous that last sentence sounds but failure’s last gift is that it makes success worth it. Failure should sting, hurt, and maybe even derail you for a moment, but that’s there to make you practice, train and commit to the pursuit of success even harder. Failure makes you do a couple of extra sets in the gym; pushes you to read a little further in the book; gives you a reason to stay out on the training field just that little bit longer. Without failure, we wouldn’t be working so hard. And without hard work, success wouldn’t mean anything. It is a cyclical process that needs all its parts to be effective.

Failure is so important. Get out there and do it!

One of the most effective ways to teach children to do anything is a process we refer to as ‘modelling’. As a species, we are especially good at copying others, and children, with their spongelike brains, take in all sorts of behaviour and information in this way.

From dance crazes to sayings and from hairstyles to how they sit at the dinner table, our children are watching and learning. It is not a conscious process for them, it is without thought; they take in what they are seeing and hearing and regurgitate it as their own. The facial expression that you thought was hereditary is not, it is learnt. Yes, nature does play a part in some things, but nurture is a very powerful process in children learning.