failure

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Parenting is the most difficult job in the world. There are numerous good intentions and a fair few bad outcomes. As parents, all we want is the best for our children, but in our pursuit to be helpful, we often become the opposite.

Nowhere is this more prominent in the idea Don Macpherson labels ‘Accidental Mind Coach’. This is when we affect the thinking or mindset of others in a negative way, without that being our intention. It is very easy to do. And while I’m not expecting you to be able to rid yourself of the problem immediately, just being aware of the idea could be the first step on the way to becoming a more effective person and parent.

The good news is that, in one way, the answer is relatively straightforward. And this links in neatly with another of my ideals, that ‘less is more’. We will not be looking to add, just take away.

As parents, we often fall into the trap of thinking our children need help. When what they really need is support. Now, to make my point, the language has to be pretty specific here, as support and help are almost synonymous. But, for me, in this instance, help is when you involve yourself in the problem they are trying to solve; support is when you remain separate, but provide other things that allow them to succeed on their own.

Let me put it like this: a ‘supporter’ at a football ground stays in the stand, making those on the pitch feel valued and appreciated, allowing the players to do their thing. A ‘helper’ at a football ground takes to the field as they think the footballers need physical help getting the ball into the back of the net. Imagine your child is a footballer: which one would they want – a supporter or a helper?

I wrote a piece for a well-known website about rugby players and their dads. I wanted to examine the relationship between players and their fathers; former players and their sons; and former players who had managed to create professionals in their offspring. I interviewed some of the game’s greatest names and the insights were fascinating. They constantly feed into my appreciation of this area of parenting. If you can, do give it a read.

One of the people I spoke to for the piece was Michael Lynagh. One of the most famous and successful names in Australian Rugby: a World Cup winner, a ‘hall of famer’, a record points scorer, and also now, the father of one of the most exciting names in Premiership Rugby. Louis Lynagh (pronounced Lewis) is a Harlequins superstar and destined for great things internationally with England. I was desperate to know what pearls of wisdom Michael had given during the formative years of Louis. A great player had begotten a brilliant young talent: surely there was some amazing parental advice to learn from; the answer was as surprising as it was enlightening.

Lynagh senior said pretty much nothing. He didn’t try and impart any of his experience or knowledge. He knew that Louis would find that on his own, via his own means. All he did was support. He often went to watch, stood on the sidelines and allowed his boy to know he was there. He praised his son’s efforts; he reminded him that he loved him and when things were tough, when they hadn’t gone well, he provided a safe and comforting space to recover. Very occasionally he would ask questions, but only as a means to see how and what his son was thinking. He didn’t advise, unless it was directly sought, which was very seldom. Other than that he listened, drove the car and smiled.

Michael Lynagh with son Louis and the Premiership trophy in 2021

Michael Lynagh made it very difficult for him to become an ‘Accidental Mind Coach’. We all have the capability to fall into the trap, the skill is limiting or eliminating the possibility; spotting it when it happens is a huge help. Let me give you a recent example of how I did some ‘Accidental Mind Coaching’: I was umpiring a game of cricket for the team I coach. Our bowler had bowled the opposition batters out with two successive deliveries and the team was facing a cricketing rarity: a hat-trick ball. Feeling the tension and wanting to help, I spoke: “Right boys, concentrate, you don’t want to be the person who drops the hat trick ball…”

You may be able to predict what happened. The ball flew skywards off the top edge of the bat, two players converged, eyes keenly fixed on the lofted cherry, bumped into each other, and the ball hit the ground with the sort of dull thump that represented all of our disappointment.

Why did I speak? I wanted to help. I involved myself in their world and drew their attention to a particular happenstance. That was my first mistake. The second was I placed the idea of a dropped catch in their minds. If I’d wanted to say anything, I should have said: “Right boys, let’s make a great catch!” then at least I’d be creating some positive visualisation for them. Or better still, I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have let them find their own way; supported them whatever the outcome; reminded them how amazing they were and just smiled.

Parenting is very difficult. But perhaps speaking less, is something you can do from now on. Children need to find their own way, develop their own relationships and make their own mistakes. Being a parent is about providing love and support so that they will give things another go.

Accidental Mind Coaching is just that, accidental. But fewer accidents will happen if we take care. And in this instance, refrain from thinking we need to help when all we need to do is just support.

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Here’s something that was revealed to me by the brilliant Michael Neill, in his book and theory, ‘The Inside Out Revolution’.

It resonated with me and how my life has been. I think about the idea a fair bit and always look to try and find myself not falling into the trap. It is a cycle or process many of us will recognise. We almost get conditioned along this path from a young age. When I think back to my previous generations, my parents and grandparents, it was definitely an ideology handed down. And I’m sure you’ve heard it too.

“Life is tough.”

Just writing it, I can hear the voices from my childhood. The monologue would go something like this:

“Life isn’t easy, it’s a struggle. You have to put your head down and work hard. And that won’t be pleasant but it is something you need to do. You need to struggle, to sacrifice, to stress, because in the end you will be rewarded with success. And success, when you achieve it, will make you happy. So, let’s not complain, that is the deal, just get on with it and get used to the fact that life is tough.”

And so, this is what you do. Stoically, unquestioningly, apathetically, you just get on with it. Hoping that one day that promised land will be found and everything will become easy.

What they fail to mention, the sowers of these morbid seeds, is that success is not a destination. Success is like a moving target. When you achieve success, however wonderful, it isn’t long before your eyes are drawn further down the track, to some other success. Having achieved one thing, you immediately look for more. I talk about the addiction that many of us have to what I refer to as ‘achieving’, rather than ‘achievement’ in this blog, but let’s assume we all agree that success is not some stationary paradise that we will ever get to. And so, with it being a constantly moving objective and something we will always be striving for, we are destined for a lifetime of struggle. Seems a little daft, no?

As Michael Neill puts it – the sum doesn’t work:

Struggle/Sacrifice/Stress = Unhappiness. But our Unhappiness is withstood because it will ultimately = Success. And, we hope (or are reassured) that Success = Happiness. So let’s lay that out:

Struggle = Unhappiness = Success = Happiness

But any mathematician will tell you you can strike two of those factors out and the sum will still stand:

Struggle = Unhappiness = Success = Happiness

We are making ourselves unhappy, in the hope that we become happy.

How about we rethink that?

Fill your life with positivity and fun. Yes, work hard but do not chase success. Do not make it the be-all and end-all. Appreciate the journey you are on and do not focus on the destination. Practice, train, and aspire but remember that true happiness is found in relationships and connections with friends and family. Remove the unhappiness of struggle, sacrifice and stress and just be happy to begin with. Appreciate the small things, the moments in your life that you have and are thankful for. Enjoy the moments that go well and don’t spend too long chastising yourself when they don’t work out. Relish the challenge life hands you; don’t be motivated by money or title, be motivated by feelings of improvement and love.

Do this and things will start to feel better. Because the old way of accepting that ‘life is tough’ just doesn’t add up.

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I am always looking to the world of sport for lessons in mind coaching and teaching. I’m constantly learning from all sport and I love to read about the way that various coaches and managers get better performances from their players.

There’s a coach at the moment who is making waves in football. Not for his overt management of a few multi-million-pound-a-year footballers, but for how he quietly goes about getting the best out of every player in his team. In fact, his club are becoming well-known for their ability to create very good players – taking players that other clubs aren’t drawn to, and making them a lot better.

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I met up with one of my favourite former colleagues yesterday, who is now a Headteacher at an all-girls school. As well as sharing war stories from the last twelve months, we talked about the mindset of both boys and girls and how they differ. As a parent of two boys and a girl, I am always looking for help and pointers to aid me along the way. Children don’t arrive with a user manual, do they? We have to learn on the job!

One thing we both surmised was that a young female’s attitude to learning, and in particular failure, is very different to a young male. Boys, in general, and there are exceptions to the rule, have a greater propensity to give things a go. Girls tend to be a little more guarded about putting themselves forward and my friend is working hard at her school to try and give her pupils a lot more chances to fail, survive and learn from failure.

If you have a young female in your life, one who is looking for great female role models, I would really recommend the film ‘The Wall’ (currently available on Netflix). Not only is it a very well-made documentary about an unusual sport (climbing), it follows four female athletes as they all vie for gold at the Tokyo Olympic Games in 2021. It is a 12 certificate and contains some choice language, so viewer discretion is advised.

Shauna Coxsey, one of the stars of the film ‘The Wall’

One thing it does highlight is how important failure is. I’m sure you’ll all be aware of the countless failures famous entrepreneurs, inventors, and world leaders have had. You can’t really go too far on social media without some meme popping up and telling you all about how JK Rowling suffered before Bloomsbury gave her her break, or how many experiments Thomas Eddison floundered around with before his lightbulb moment. Failure is very much part of success, but why is it so important? Success is great for the soul, wonderful for confidence and can provide some much-needed happiness – failure does the opposite – why is failure as important as success? Here are some reasons you may not have thought about.

Failure makes great stories. And stories connect you to other people. The best stories I’ve ever heard had failure at the heart of them, and without these stories to tell people, we wouldn’t be able to connect in such an important way. Some of the best moments with your friends have involved getting stuff wrong. When we get together socially, reliving these moments and amusing each other with our plights and misdeeds can form a strong bond and appreciation. Sharing each other’s successes is lovely but feeling empathy for someone’s nightmarish situation is the stuff that really binds.

And coming together in a social situation is so vitally important for your brain. The hormone release that social encounters and shared experiences gives you is the best medicine in the world. Oxytocin works in direct opposition to the stress hormone Cortisol, and it is released when you come into social or positive/intimate contact with another human. Our minds need oxytocin to operate at their best, so great social interaction is necessary for our lives. Failure stories are an essential part of this.

We need complex. The way our brains work brilliantly is just outside our comfort zone. Our brain is set up for the constant introduction of new neural pathways. And neural pathways are only formed by repetition, and we are much more likely to repeat an action in the pursuit of success if we get something wrong. Doing things that we can achieve serves no real purpose in our lives and we must always look for new and different experiences to benefit our brains and continue our growth.

Life is a journey, not a destination. This is echoed in Shauna Coxsey’s final monologue in the film, where she talks about what she’s achieved and how she feels about it. To paraphrase her slightly, she concludes that ‘her successes (and failures) aren’t useful to anyone else, but what she learnt along the way is.’

Our minds trick us into thinking that achievement is important. But, for me, it is the act of achieving that we need in our lives, not achievements. In fact, once an achievement has appeared, it immediately starts to fade only to be replaced by something bigger and better, further down the line. I think many humans adore the act of achieving and so will constantly reset their sights on new and higher accolades. And because we are so enthraled to this process, we need it to be a challenge (worth achieving) and therefore we need the jeopardy of failure.

And as soon as we start to see failure in these ways; as necessary and beneficial, the more we can train our minds to not only accept failure when it happens but be pleased to see it! Now I can almost hear you thinking how ridiculous that last sentence sounds but failure’s last gift is that it makes success worth it. Failure should sting, hurt, and maybe even derail you for a moment, but that’s there to make you practice, train and commit to the pursuit of success even harder. Failure makes you do a couple of extra sets in the gym; pushes you to read a little further in the book; gives you a reason to stay out on the training field just that little bit longer. Without failure, we wouldn’t be working so hard. And without hard work, success wouldn’t mean anything. It is a cyclical process that needs all its parts to be effective.

Failure is so important. Get out there and do it!